The White Girl In The Soul Train Line

When somebody says something you weren't supposed to hear to the someone who didn't want you to hear it... and then that second person (who knows you heard it) doesn't have the fucking balls to cowboy up and own up to it? I really hate that. Not so much pissed at what I heard as much as I'm pissed that it was kept a secret from me.

To my decadent yet delicate fan base. It's been a long ass time since I scribbled some shit here. I've been so busy gettin' my blog on at myspace, that I lost sight of this humble, little corner of the web where I got my start. Most of you are all too aware by now of my moodiness as of late. A combination of influences have me feeling like the ugly girl at prom recently. No one wants to dance, but that's okay 'cause the punch is oh so tasty. I'd like to send my happiest halloween wishes to all my favorite girls and goblins out there. I wish I could say I was going to a fabulous party where all the girls in attendance were dressing up like the pussy cat dolls, but alas... I'm chained to this desk. One more week, and I'll be a free man. I predict the coming weekend will find me in even worse spirits though. My out date at MTV coincides with Morgan's escape from L.A. The only time I get out of the apartment is either to go to work or hang out with her. I see many boxer clad/Chinese take out/Sex and the City sessions in my immediate future. But I can't say I didn't see it coming. There's no way in hell this year could have crept by without the annual Craig breakdown. That one month out of the year when I turn into Earnest Hemmingway, grow a beard, lock myself inside, and hate everything. The good news is that all of my usual victims are thousands of miles away and don't have to put up with it anymore. Good for them anyway. I sure could use a night of heavy drinking with the boys to put things into perspective. Midtown Memphis is calling my name. The Blue Monkey, The Young Avenue Deli, Newby's, Gill's, and The Highland Cue. Hell, I'd settle for Whiskey Sours at Chili's on Goodman at this point. Maybe Danny and I could belly up to the bar next to a triumvirate of chubby girls. Well, I'd better get back to work, so I can get the fuck outta here at a decent time. I love you all.

Earnest

Category IV - The
Musketeer

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I got a new toy today, and I thought I'd swing by the Vista and snap a picture for Bama...

“George W. Bush does not speak for me or my son or my mother or my friends or the people I respect in this world. We didn’t vote for these cheap, greedy little killers who speak for America today-and we will not vote for them again in 2002. Or 2004. Or ever.
Who does vote for these dishonest shitheads? Who among us can be happy and proud of having this innocent blood on our hands? Who are these swine? These flag-sucking half-wits who get fleeced and fooled by stupid little rich kids like George Bush?
They are the same ones who wanted to have Muhammad Ali locked up for refusing to kill gooks. They speak for all that is cruel and stupid and vicious in the American character. They are the racists and hate mongers among us-they are the Ku Klux Klan. I piss down the throats of these Nazis.
And I am too old to worry about whether they like it or not. Fuck them.”

HST

You gotta love that man.

Click HERE.

You'll laugh 'til you cry... or maybe it's the other way around.

On this the 3rd anniversary of 9-11... I have a new computer that's clap free. This fucker is fast too. It's nice. I think I'll kick my feet up and stay awhile.

Craiggers

Tuesday saw the end of Dustin and Joseph's visit to Los Angeles. They got in an airport bound cab at around 9:30, and 15 minutes later... I was off to work. It was a light day as we were only finishing up what we hadn't on Labor Day. So by 2:00 p.m. Gary and I were sitting at a table at Wienerschnitzel, scarfing down chili dogs. I got a call from my girl, Bama-loo shortly thereafter. She was down in the dumps and needed a friendly ear. I tried my best to distract her, but I don't know if I helped at all. So here's to ya, Bama. I hope today brings you more of tomorrow and less of yesterday.

I was Mister Popular last night as well. My phone wouldn't stop ringing. Aside from the fore-mentioned foxy four alarm forest fire; I talked to my boss, my dad, Dustin, Jackson, and Gary. I'm also nursing the makings of a potentially wonderful crime drama in this overcrowded cranium I lug around on my shoulders. If my computer at home didn't have the clap, I would be hammering it out right now. Ah, so it is. I'm probably going to the computer store this weekend. That's right. When one girlfriend catches cooties, you dump her ass for a new one. Well I'd better run. Gary's finished the last of his tapes. It's time to hit that oh so long road home, fire up a smoke and some tunes, and holla at the honeys in the crosswalks. Research it!

You got served,
Craig

Captain's log star-date 9/6/04

Super D and La Jose came out to La-La-wood this weekend to sample some of that good ole southland living. It's been a weekend of firsts all around. I took the boys for a brief drive on Mulholland. I finally made it down to the 4100, per Tania's suggestion. And I made it into the Formosa for dinner. Overall it's been a great weekend, Saturday night being the highlight. Dustin went out to meet up with a friend while Joe-banger and I went to the 4100 for a few drinks. The Jose got a little crunked up (to quote my good friend, Danny), and I got my flirt on with a few ladies inside. But my home skillet Dustin got his freak on. I've been out here for eight months and already he's gotten more L.A. ass than I have. But me and The Jose were happy for him. D met up with us at the 4100, and we all left to get a bite at the Denny's by my place. It was an eerily familiar scene. Three guys, all a little tipsy, sitting over heaping plates of food and being a bit too loud. I was waiting for Jose to stand up on the table, screaming, "You're all growns up!"

Now, I'm at work. Yeah, I had to come in on Labor Day. We're pretty much the only people here, and there's no A/C. We're all sweating like characters in a southern courtroom drama, and sex is the primary topic of conversation. So far... Gary is doing the best job of dealing with the heat. I, on the other hand, have reached the end of my rope. It's a tough spot to be in when you're trapped in a 90+ degree room with sex talk... especially when it's coming from females. All my peeps say a prayer or two for me because I'm in for a long ass day.

My damn email's not working because EPE decided they wanted to revamp the site. So I won't be able to check my inboxes until tomorrow. Don't that just suck? It isn't bad enough that my only access to the internet is now at my work... once I get to work, I can't check my mail.

I wrapped my first acting gig in L.A. this weekend. Gary's short film "A Good Story". We shot an unprecedented 29 pages in two days, 27 of which we hammered out on day one. It was easily the most fun I've had since I moved out here. Acting for the camera is a weird adjustment. I may have over compensated by playing all the close ups a little stiff. At least it felt that way to me. So Gary's got two and a half hours worth of raw footage that he now has to edit down to 30 minutes... roughly. Just watching the playback after each take was impressive. I'm curious to see how the audio turned out. There might be some looping to do in post. Man, I'm too Hollywood for you right now. So here's hoping that I'll have a copy of the finished product on DVD in the not too distant future. "It's a beautiful day in the Holly-Hood, a beautiful day in the Holly-Hood. It's a beautiful day in the HOLLY-HOOD, so don't you be... a hater."

I've got to get back to work, my lovelies and not so lovelies.

Later,
Snagglepussy

...said in Annie Hall that Hollywood is so clean because they don't throw their garbage away... they turn it into television shows. I'm slowly realizing how true this is. The general premise is usually halfway interesting, but where the hell do they find these people? How does zero personality equal entertainment gold? But what the hell do I know?

Just another "misguided" liberal,
Snaggledowry

P.S. Britney Spears has fallen from grace. Somebody needs to fuck some sense into her. I guess I'll have to take one for the team... after all it's for the good of the country.

I just got back from my first day of work at MTV, and all I've got to say is "DAMN"! This is easily gonna go down in history as the coolest job I've ever had. This place puts Seacrest to shame. I've got a little ID badge that gives me access to the building... and the girls... I gotta get me some of that MTV ass.

"They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people... and neither do we."

Preach it, Prez!

So the show got cancelled. Yesterday was my last day, but there's a party thing tonight from 5-7. Ryan's buying everybody cocktails. So I said two hour open bar... shit yeah. And my name appeared in the credits of yesterday's episode, thanks to Will Fan. So I'm leaving on a high note. I just hope this thing at MTV pans out. Maybe I should follow Gary's example and email this guy to find out whether I'm hired. Anyway things are good.

You ever get that feeling when your buttons are being pushed? It's so immature, and you know you should just shake it off and laugh about it. But for some reason beyond your control the button pushing is working. But at least you come out of it having seen the pusher's true colors. Now you know what they're really made of. Oh well I got drinking to do. I ain't worried about it. So until next time....

Horton... OUT!

For anyone who gives a shit I've just finished the eighth song of what will come to be my fourth un-produced album, which I'm tentatively calling Memphis Sissy. And you guessed it... I'm gonna post the lyrics. But first I'm gonna give you a brief Storytellers style rundown on where it came from. After my night of debauchery at the Key Club and my unfulfillable crush on the cocktail waitress, I came to a realization. Every time I go to a bar, I inevitably fall for the waitress as opposed to my countless female counterparts... there to drink and enjoy the company of their friends. So I thought I'd write a song about it since I'm venturing into that oh-so-foreign territory of the humorous live song. But I think this time I've successfully managed to marry that style with my pre-established bitterness.

Money to Spend

This happens all the time
A beer ago I was fine
But now I'm a sip away from shameless
All you girls are out
'Cause I've got it narrowed down
To the one behind the bar or the waitress
Close your eyes and count to ten
By then I'll be in love again
And she can't run away 'cause she's at work
I can never tell
If she means something else
When she offers me dessert

Chorus:
It's been said time and time again
That nice guys finish last and the bad guy always wins
'Cause if she's got a choice between the two types of boys,
Who the hell do you think she's going home with?
So take my credit card and charge
Another round for me and my friends
That's right, I might be a nice guy
But I'm sexy as hell 'cause I've got money to spend

You know I don't believe
The complimentary things
Spilling from her lips
That's just what I call
"Stripper talk"
I'm nothing more to her than another tip
But let's just pretend
That I really am
The cutest thing she's ever seen
If I consumed
A stick of gum or two
Do you think she'd make out with me?

Repeat Chorus

So bring me another drink
It'll give me time to think
Of the perfect thing to say when she comes back
But I've always been a crummy flirt
So just in case it doesn't work,
I better be ready to make her laugh
(So I say)
"If you're gonna hit on me
Just for the tip I leave
You might as well reach into my pocket
Then we'll both come out of it
With what we set out to get
A cheap thrill for the contents of my wallet"

Repeat Chorus


I've got another one here for you as well. I finished this one a while ago, but never posted it because I was too busy doing my left wing rant thing.

Gates of Graceland

The Christmas decorations
Are still up at Graceland
Complete with a hundred watt nativity scene
So she digs through her closet
And pulls out a jacket
That she hasn't worn since she was seventeen
There's a letter in the pocket
From a time she'd forgotten
When love was still an endless possibility
She unfolds the pages
And she slowly traces
Every single word with her finger as she reads

The notes that we wrote on the gates of Graceland,
When we were young enough to be so dumb,
Have long since faded
And, baby, that's okay
'Cause no one read them anyway

That semester in Southaven
When I was waiting tables
And my love life and I couldn't agree on anything
She would wash her Mustang
Every Friday afternoon
In her bare feet and a pair of cut off jeans
The kind with the pockets
That hang out the bottom
I think you know the ones that I mean
With a bucket full of suds
And a little, pink sponge
She was easily the cutest thing I'd ever seen

The notes that we wrote on the gates of Graceland,
When we were young enough to be so dumb,
Have long since faded
And, baby, that's okay
'Cause no one read them anyway

She was all legs and lip gloss
Showing her stomach off
Between her jogging shorts and a baby-doll tee
So I thought I'd ask her out
Over brunch at Waffle House
But she shot me down before I had a chance to speak
That's when me and my love life
Finally saw eye to eye
And we both agreed this girl was out of my league
So to those of you who dare to dream
I say, choose your battles carefully
Don't break your heart to make a mark no one will ever see

The notes that we wrote on the gates of Graceland,
When we were young enough to be so dumb,
Have long since faded
And, baby, that's okay
'Cause no one read them anyway


Well that's it for now. So to all those West Texas girls, just like me... I say goodnight.

Saw Fahrenheit 9/11 today. The fact that anyone could see this movie and come out of it saying that Michael Moore hates America makes me laugh. I haven't cried this much at the movies since Passion of The Christ. All my life I've stayed away from political issues. Hell I never registered to vote until two or three weeks ago. I was just like all the other good, little automatons and believed everything the media told me. I believed Oswald acted alone, I believed three satan worshiping teenagers from West Memphis, Arkansas killed three eight year old boys in 1993, and I believed (for some reason) there was some connection between Sadam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. I got behind the war. Yeah, let's kick some Iraqi ass! After all, those fuckers indirectly crippled my favorite skyline in all the country, right? They're stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, right? America's not safe anymore, right? There are going to be terrorist attacks at the polls on election day, right? Well, I've opened my eyes and seen, first hand, how many others still have their eyes closed... and I'm very very pissed off. I refuse to follow blindly anymore. I refuse to sit still/not talk back/chew with my mouth closed at the banquet table in the Kingdom of Fear! Call me whatever the fuck you want. Call me unpatriotic simply because I question our nation's leader.

A lot of people are up in arms over this movie. A lot of people say that Michael Moore doesn't play devil's advocate enough, and that it's a slanted and biased depiction of events.... To that I say the same thing he does. If you want the other side of the story... turn on your fucking TV. Particularly FOX news. A lot of people are calling him a liar. Well, I grant you the fact that it's edited together in a humorous and entertaining way. But the shit's on tape. You can't argue with the facts. And for the people who say he hates America... I pity you. If you refuse to see the movie because you disagree with Moore's politics, fine. At least when I boycotted Phone Booth, it was because Schumacher hasn't made a decent movie since A Time To Kill and didn't have anything to do with the fact that he's gay. So to the far reaches of the right wing, I say... take that "love it or leave it" mentality and trade it in for some new material. Ha, I bet you thought I was gonna say shove it up your ass! But I didn't.

FREE THE THREE!
Craiggers

Any time you plead with a right wing senator or representative to stop being such a bigot and let gay couples enjoy the same rights that everyone else does. He/she inevitably comes back with the same lame ass easy out of an answer.... Gay marriage laws differ from state to state, so take it up with your local state government. This might be a halfway reasonable answer if those same fucking discriminatory assholes weren't trying to ratify the U.S. Constitution, adding an amendment that would ban gay marriage. Sounds pretty federal to me. But fear not, open minded people everywhere... be you liberal or dare I say conservative. This early stage Nazi-esque move was shot down in the senate today. Reassuring me that as fucked up as things are right now... America just ain't quite ready for fascism yet. We will not go gentle into that good night. And for those half-believers hiding behind a mask of Christianity and spouting off about Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13.... I say check out Leviticus 18:19 and 20:18, and then tell me what's up, bitch! Not to mention the fact that it's Old Covenant, baby, and has already been fulfilled. So it's good for a history lesson, but that's about it. Unless of course you don't believe that Jesus of Nazareth was the Messiah, in which case... convert to Judaism, be happy, and leave Christianity alone. I'm a Lefty, a big fan of Jesus, and a patriot to boot. ACT LIKE YA KNOW!

Horton... OUT!